Short jokes
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Why is it best to date suicidal women? Because if there's no pulse, there's no need for consent.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Go commit neck rope.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial Intelligence.
What do jokesters eat for breakfast? Pun-cakes.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.
Got the George Floyd pack, this shit makin' it hard to breathe.
I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?
His lawnmower.
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.