Short jokes

What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

Like if you think rape jokes are funny.

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Go commit neck rope.

What do jokesters eat for breakfast? Pun-cakes.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.