Short jokes
My name is Dan, I wear white Vans, I have a gun, get in the van!
What's yellow and can’t swim?
Your dead fish.
What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?
"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."
Medusa makes men hard.
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?
So that he could design his own “website.”
Why doesn't Voldemort have a human nose?
Because his snake bit it off!
Why did the farmer eat a fork?
'Cause he's a dumbass.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?
There is no difference.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson changed his name from Michael Smith? Well, at least he's honest.
What is an astronaut's favorite part of a keyboard?
The SPACE BAR!
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.
Have you walked into Steven Hawking's house yet?
Yeah, neither has he.
I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.
Paper.
Aww c'mon! I thought my joke made the cut!
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
What do you call a baby kangaroo? Joey.
What do you call a 6 year old named Joey? Supper.
What did the bottle of conditioner do on the toilet?
Shampoo.
A clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.