Short jokes

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

The three unwritten rules of life:

1. 2. 3.

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.