Short jokes

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

Assalam alaikum, bitches.

I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?

Because they're the ones making the toys.

What's the toughest stain to wash off a little boy's underpants?

Michael Jackson's lipstick.

NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.

MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.

TV: Water found on Mars...

Mars: 1

Africa: 0

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

This is a joke. Laugh now or else.

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

"Room, you on."

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

I wrote a book called "Endless Love."

It’s about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller.