Short jokes
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
If Charlie Kirk were a 5-year-old schoolkid being murdered, America would have moved on by now.
Canada is the Keanu Reeves of countries. Too bad the US is the Kanye West of countries instead of the Dolly Parton of countries.
Your mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, you missed two episodes.
Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.
Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?
Because you cannot break the ice.
Bros over hos.
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
What should you do if the dishwasher breaks?
Kick her.
I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.
Q. What's the biggest cause of infant drownings? A. Postpartum depression.
Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.
What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!
There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.
What do planes and offices have in common?
They both tend to cross paths at the wake of disaster.
What do you call a cow with horns? A horny cow.
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Bro, why are you making an avalanche by that big forehead? No wonder why snow was found on Mars.