Short jokes

I'm running out of degrees? I guess I better throw myself in fire to raise my internal temperature (measured in degrees).

How many degreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees does Billy Corgan have?

1979.

What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

You know what they say: "Location, location, location." So my dad stuck a thermometer up his butt, and now he has degrees.

It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.

Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].

If I had a loonie for every degree I have, I wouldn't have a loonie.

What is an alien's favourite chocolate?

A Mars bar.

What kind of person will steal Captain Hook's hook?

Answer: A hooker.

Where does Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second-hand store.

Which country of the world has the poorest/most hungry people?

Answer: Hungary

Okjlpppilfrkfft?

I ask my sister why the Chinese owner brings us free food all the time.

My sister said to me "I love him long time."

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."

What did the make-a-wish kid say when the Avengers turn up without Tony Stark?

"We are in the endgame now!"

I need to go to the hospital because I'm getting shot by a PUN.

Josh Hemus - follow him on Instagram @joshhemus

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

What's the difference between Madlen Makan and Stephen Hawking?

Nothing, they're both dead.

I'm doing something Stephen Hawking can't do... pressing "I'm not a robot."