Short jokes
God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!
What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?
The Final Cut.
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
Why can't orphans have a funeral? Because their parents won't be there.
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
Bad handjobs are rare. They’re hard to come by.
I was going to buy a watch today, but I didn't have time.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
Hi huuuuuy.
Who?
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.
"White people can't jump"...
"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."
I told my wife she was lousy in bed.
She replied, "I guess you have been seeing your ex-girlfriend, uh?"
Chi
Friend, your mum's fat.
Me: Well, your mum's so fat, she played pool with the planets.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?
"Ain't you got no cents?"
Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."
What’s the difference between your mum and your nan?
Your nan's a GILF!