Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.
Short Jokes
Never hide something behind a bookshelf. It's the oldest trick in the book!
Your life, that's all.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ligma.
Ligma who?
Ligma balls!
What is a Mexican's only obstacle?
Border patrol.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
1. just feeling sad. 2. depression. 3. self harm. 4. suicide.
They can't say no if they're unconscious.
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Rearrange the furniture.
A gay wizard went to a bar and disappeared with a poof!
What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?
A jammy cunt.
Unlike the Americans, Hitler knew when to kill himself.
What do you call a bunch of wheelchairs on top of one another?
A vegetable rack.
Me: Knock, knock. You: Who's there? Me: Music. You: Music who? Answer: A guitar is a violin without a stick.
Why did the number 10 make friends with 0? Because you have $100 dollars.
Your head so big you can wash a big TV on it!
If this is offensive to anyone, I'm sorry! Hey, wanna see something funny? Go look in your mirror!
I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."
