Shit jokes

What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tale? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, "Y'all mutherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit."

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

Fancy playing rodeo sex?

"OK then," she said!

Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?

Both of them are just full of shit.

I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.

Question: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Answer: Tequila

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

you.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.

He scares the shit out of it.

JAW don't know sh*t!