A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Holy shit, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”

The drunk says, “No shit, that’s why I took my car!”

A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit

If you shit in a church is it a holy shit?

Q: Why are gay people never late for their flight? A: They get their shit packed the night before.

What did one buttcheek say to the other buttcheek Together we can stop this shit

Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.

Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled “vodka” and the lake changed into vodka.

Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled “beer” and the lake changed into beer.

American ran to dive,slipped,and said, “oh shit”.

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation? Do you need help packing your shit?

what do mafia and pussies have in common?

one slip of the tongue, and your in deep shit

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a viagra. “Why in the world do you want that?” She asked him. He looks at her and says, “Well that’s what you gift dad when his shit won’t get hard.”

How does Steven hawking take a shit he logs out

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!

What did the condom say when he came out of a gay guys asshole?

He said “Fuck this shit!”

Youre mama so ugly, When Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said,“HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT’S ONE UGLY BITCH!”

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit i forgot but they’re both locked in my cellar right now.

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!

Why Belgians don’t eat shit sandwich? They don’t fancy bread!

Did you hear about the gays that had a baby? It was a little shit

How can toilet paper decorate your house

Shit sticks everywhere

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?" Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You’re only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?" Cindy says: "Well daddy, I’ll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it …" Dad gives in and says: “OK, give me a head-job then”. He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste’s like shit!" Dad goes: “Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon …”

Today there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there. When he was done, he had realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

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