Shit jokes

How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them!

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.

I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

You are getting Cole for Christmas, you shit fuckers.

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?

How does Stephen Hawking take a shit? He logs out.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

When the quiet kid lost a game of basketball and reaches into his bag,

other people in the gym: "Oh shit this nigga bout to shoot."

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

Question: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Answer: Tequila

Kid: Hi.

Janitor: Wtf you want, kid?

Kid: Why are you rude?

Janitor: 'Cause I have a shitty job.