Sex jokes

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

cock, cock, and cum

How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!

Wanna play shark attack? I eat, you scream!

How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.

Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

Wow, didn't know little Jhony jokes were so dark. Well, but what do you expect from a site with jokes about suicide, sex, and drugs? :-)

"Drugs?????" His eyes popped out. Well, I don't really know if there actually are-- and the exact ones... But there's so many kinds of jokes-- even chin jokes. :^))

And slice jokes!

What kind of "slices"?

Handy ones. ^_^

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"