Sex jokes
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.
Memes
Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.
Wanna play shark attack? I eat, you scream!
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
cock, cock, and cum
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
Did you hear about the new sex doll they've invented for Muslims? It blows itself up!!
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, youβre left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. π
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"