Seconds jokes
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was also dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first one.
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?
In case he gets a hole in one.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
Three Vulcans walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the first Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The first Vulcan says, "I don't know."
The bartender asks the second Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The second Vulcan says, "I don't know."
The bartender asks Spock, "Y'all want a drink?" Spock says, "Yes."
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Why are New Yorkers so good at reading?
Some of them went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store!
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The early bird might get the worm...
But the second mouse gets the cheese.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.