There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
I ate a time-machine once, it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can? 100 dead babies in a trash can. What is worse than that? There's a live one at the bottom. What is worse than that? It eats its way out. What is worse than that? It comes back for seconds.
Hey babe, I’m looking to get 23 years in 23 seconds, can you help?
In Africa, in every 60 seconds,... a minute passes
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
why did the monkey fall out of the tree he was dead why did the second monkey fall out of the tree he was also dead why did the third monkey fall out of the tree monkey see monkey do why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree he was stapled to the first one
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?
In case he get a hole in one.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
3 Vulcans walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the first Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The first Vulcan says, "I don't know."
The bartender asks the second Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The second Vulcan says, "I don't know."
The bartender asks Spock, "Y'all want a drink?" Spock says, "Yes."
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Yo mama is so nasty she buys sex toys at the second hand shop.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Why are New Yorkers so good at reading?
Some of them went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
Why did the one handed man cross the road?
To get to the second hand store!
