Say jokes

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

What did the orphan say to the other? "Quickly Robin, to the Batmobile!"

what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?

don't leave me hanging.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

What 7 letters do you say when you open the fridge and see it’s empty?

O I C U R M T

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

The best joke in the world is me.

Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.

What do trans men and Pinocchio have in common?

Both are lying when they say, "I'm a real boy."

A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

“Under my bench,” he replies.

You can't say Hitler was a bad person. He did kill Hitler after all.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

What did the bread say to the peanut butter? "I think your nuts."