Say jokes

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

What did one depressed kid say to the other?

Hey, wanna hang together?

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

Michael Jackson broke his window. What does he say? "I can't see."

What did the north tower say to the south tower during the summer? Get ready for fall!

What did the orphan say to the other orphan?

"Get into the Batmobile, Robin."

I'm not saying you're ugly, but you're the reason God created miscarriages!

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

The best joke in the world is me.

Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

What did the orphan say to the other? "Quickly Robin, to the Batmobile!"

what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?

don't leave me hanging.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

What did Bonnie say to Chica?

"Go kill yourself, dumbass bitch."

What do trans men and Pinocchio have in common?

Both are lying when they say, "I'm a real boy."