Say jokes

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?

"Drop it, Jamal!"

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

What 7 letters do you say when you open the fridge and see it’s empty?

O I C U R M T

The best joke in the world is me.

Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.

A man walks into a bar.

Then he walks into a Pole.

Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

what did Bruce Willis say after he had a vasectomy? "snip-y ki yay motherfucker"

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

What did one depressed kid say to the other?

Hey, wanna hang together?

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

Michael Jackson broke his window. What does he say? "I can't see."

A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.

The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"

The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"

The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.