What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Me: Oh, I wan-
Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.
Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
Who says Rihanna isn't charitable?
I mean, she found Johnny Depp for her fashion show by scouting for people living in tents down in Skid Row.
What's one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?
“Hang in there!”
I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"
What did the receptionist at the sperm bank say when you were leaving? "Thanks for coming!" 😉😉
A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?
Reports say there's a small medium at large!
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."
