Say jokes

I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

I'll shut up now.

What did the eagle say to Obama?

He said: "Joe Mama!"

What does a depressed person say when they're happy?

"..."

What did the ocean say to the pirate? Nothing, it just waved.

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.

God: *SILENCE*

Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!

God: *SILENCE*

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

I meant to say, what’s an orphan's least favorite store to go to?

Family Dollar store.

What did the therapist say to the rapist yes please

When someone calls you gay, say:

"I'm straight, straighter than your hairline!"

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

What did the orphan poker player say to the elder?

“Will you raise me?”

A guy and his girl just finished making love.

Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"

The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

I heard a motivational quote saying faith can move mountains, but faith cannot move your receding hairline.

What did the Taliban say to the Afghan?

Nothing, they blew him up.

I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."

If a black person calls you a cracker, let them say it. You can say things they can't say, like, "Thanks for the warning, officer!"

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;