Say jokes
What did the marshmallow say when he was roasting in the fire? "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
What did the duck say to the pond?
"Fuck Trump."
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”
The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
What does a 911 call receiver say when they get a call?
"9 Juan Juan, who this?"
What did one plane say to the other?
"It’s been a long day, I’m ready to crash."
Other plane: "No you’re not, we haven’t even gotten high yet!"
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"
What did the cow say to the cheese? I am your father.
What do you call a cow that's laying down? Ground Beef.
What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?
Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
These cannibal kids come running into the cave and ask their mom what's for dinner? She says, "Dad's gonna grill wieners!"
I'm so lonely, even the alphabet says "Hi."
JK.
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."
What did the cat say when he was stuck on a thorn-bush?
"Meow!"
When you say to your dad...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Dad be like...
Who wants my son?
Nan be like, "Me!"
Kid be like...
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!
What are roux, says nan?
Um, they're your life savings!
Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"
Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching? A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
What did the doc say to the skeleton? You're skele-a-ton.