What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?
He had no legs.
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
Roses are red. He shows no remorse.
Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?
Klaustrophobic.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"
Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"
