Santa Claus jokes
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
Santa Claus gets to leave the chimney alive.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
I like Christmas.
It’s the holiday where an old man breaks into people’s homes so he can give them toys! :) yaaaaay 😁
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa Claus?
They're the ones that make the toys.
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.
Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.
Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"
Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Santa Claus gives a child a bike. The child was mad. Why? He had no legs.
Your mom is so fat Santa Claus came down and said, "Ho ho holy shit!"
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.