Said jokes

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.

He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"

She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."

Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?

Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.

The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.

A kid had school today.

He was late every single day. He said in his mind, "I wish I can go to school again." What happened? It's obvious...... He died :)

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

My teacher started talking about houses, then I said I don't want that informansion.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Yoo! I found a $100 bill, found a child who said they lost their $100 bill. Gave them $25.

When God gives you glory, you give it back.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”

The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”

So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”

When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”

The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”