Said jokes

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

Who else liked the part in Morbius when he said his catchphrase "IT'S MORBIN' TIME" and MORBED over everyone? In my theater we had a standing ovation!

It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.

My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"

I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."

I saw a kid in a wheelchair, and he was getting bullied. I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.

Why are orphans running around the world after the baseball coach said, "Go home"?

Because he didn’t know what the hell to do.

You're so fat, when you went on the weighing scale, it said "to be continued."

Did Mr. Rusher play tennis in the dark?

You will get hit by the tennis ball! Ouch, Mr. Rusher said.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

Yo mama so fat, when she had an interview for NASA, they said, "We don't hire planets."

You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

Chris said to me in P.E. that he likes Jacob, and he said he wants to go straight to the bedroom.

Me: And this is the room I cry in.

Date: You've said that about every room.

Me: Correct!

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!

I found a place before called an orphanage, but when I was allowed in there were lots of kids, and I said, "Where's your parents? Oh yeah, you're orphans." Gosh, that was one heck of a day!