Said jokes

How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

I was walking past an orphan and I said, "Just go home."

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"

How do you know if an Asian is a failure?

Figure it out, because they'll all tell you their parents said they were a failure from birth.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Guy, your hairline was the reason Adolf Hitler said, "Let there be war!"

When Elsa said, "Let it go," you took it too seriously and let go of your hairline.

The first child, Daisy, asks her mother why she is named Daisy. The mother said, "That's because a daisy fell on your head when you were born."

The second child, Raindrop, asked why he is named Raindrop, and the mother said, "That's because a drop of rain fell on your head when you were born."

Then the third child, Cinderblock, said, "fxg,kxf dsdsvtg,hjer,btjh,rbtsvikvsdtxde43f."

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

A king ordered to execute a gay man.

The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."

The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"