Said jokes

Dr. Dre caught his friend Snoop Dogg looking in other people's drawers. Dre then said, "Don't Snoop around."

My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.

My friend made a joke about a dog. I said it was a "RUFF" joke.

One hot day a cow wanted some shade.

He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."

Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.

The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."

She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"

Have you ever said no? Did they keep going?

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Steven Hawking said there is no God,

Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.

So, the sea is on a computer but doesn't know how to search, so the computer said to the sea, "Search!"

Do you get it? SEArch.

Yo momma is so ugly, when she tried to join the ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals!"

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

"Fuck me."

That's what she said.

A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three. He said, "Uno, dos," and disappeared without a tres!

The waiter recommended the rug meal.

She said it was delicious, but it's a tassle to make.

Why did the octopus cry?

Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.

Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"

A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.

Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.

The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,

The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"