Roast jokes

It must be tiring to put makeup on two faces.

But when?

You have two brain cells; one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.

When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?

You look like a cow went through puberty, put the milk before the cereal, then ate it with a fork with a little sprinkle of steak.

Call me fat? You call me fat because you think that you’re pretty, but you ain’t. You’re just a musty, dusty, rusty Cardi B.

So you mom call she side when Covin come home?

Roses are red, violets are blue, people think that you’re fat, until they saw your mom.

I am not telling you twice, your mouth stinks, so go burn your house down like a crazy mad woman, and I will call the cops like, "WTH," because you are so fat.

Yo mama so fat...

That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!

Me: Are you an alien?

Friend: No.

Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.

You're like a cat, all you do is eat and sleep.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past.

I'm jealous of the people who never met you.

I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.

You’re looking pretty rough this evening. You look like if sweatpants were a person.

Your mama is so fat, she sunk Atlantis even though it's in the ocean!

My friend: You're ugly.

The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.

Guy: Are you tired?

His “Crush”: No.

Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?

His “Crush”: That’s sweet.

Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.