Road jokes
What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
What is the difference between interstate and intercourse?
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
Why did the sperm cross the road? To get to the vagina!
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.
(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”
A: The chicken.
A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.
Q. Why did Josh Duggar cross the road?
A. There was a daycare on the other side.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she wanted to have an affair with the rooster.
Why do animals cross the road?
Because it is funny, do you say "dogs" and "cats?"
Were you born on the side of the highway because that’s where all mistakes happen?
Your hairline is the road to Eastern Cape.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to skull.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A. There was a daycare on the other side.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
Why did the nose cross the road to find the person who "nose"?
Why did your mom cross the road?
You were on the same side as her, and she wanted to get as far away from you as possible.
Why did the Lego cross the road? He was on the wrong block!
Why did the Xbox player cross the road? To render in the buildings.
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.