Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a table, and chairs.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
What’s a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?
The orphanage.
Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."
What did a cannibal have as his last meal?
Five guys.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Curry.
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.
She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.
KFC proudly presents the kid fryer meal where our fillets are made out of kids. 😎 1 like = more kids in our fryer.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."
"It's a strip steak, sir."
"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
