Rescue jokes

How did the rich save the poor?

They didn't let them in the Titanic.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

If messyourself was on the Titanic, he would die first.

So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)

Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦‍♂️

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.

My disabled friend rolled into a burning orphanage and saved lots of kids. When he came out, the kids tried to play with him because his wheels were on fire. They called him Hot Wheels.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

An orphanage is like a horse rescue. You rescue them, rehabilitate them, then sell them for as much as possible.

Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."