Religion Jokes

A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.

When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"

God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."

Your mom is so ugly, she made the devil go to church.

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

Even your mother can never fix your hairline, just God.

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.

What do you call an orphan who grows up to become a priest?

Father Les.

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

God bless the shooting that happened.

Jesus was the one who created the T pose, not Fortnite.

My uncle was a priest.

He had a two-inch penis, but when it was in my ass, it felt like a torpedo.

Ever looked at a cemetery and thought, wow, Heaven and Hell must be crowded?

What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?

A bath bomb.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

The teacher fainted.

I have one policy, and that is to not make fun of black people.

Sorry, Jesus. You were white in the Bible pictures.

Jesus got rejected. A few years later, he died. He came back just to lose his virginity because even Jesus is not a fucking cunt.

Jesus got rejected. A few years later he died. He came back just to lose his virginity because even Jesus is not a fucking cunt.

Get off this site and go have some sex, you fucking virgins.

God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.

THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!

Yo Father, don't use the baptism bath. I cleaned my anal plug in there.

What?

The holy water gets all the ass off. Don't mind the white stuff. *clears throat*

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys. Thank you, Jesus, for creating baptism.