Religion jokes
The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.
Has anyone alive ever died?
Is this our eternal life?
Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Why did Jesus create the Devil?
He didn't recognize himself through the time portal.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?
They believe their own lies.
What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?
You decide.
The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian; therefore, he could never be himself.
"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."
One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"
They say we will have eternal life when Jesus is no longer coming.
Why is Jesus in pieces?
Because a one man band is Nine Inch Nails.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Satan and the devil are alter egos.
What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?
Depends on who's sucking.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"