Religion jokes
A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.
At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."
Now I know what my priest meant by the second coming!
Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.
What's the difference between a Baptist and a rapist? The priests.
How many altar boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Depends on how dark the priests' basement is.
What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?
When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.
Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.
I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.
Should I burn heaven?
If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?
Why does Satan worship himself?
Jesus told him to worship God.
A true God would be godless himself.
God's consciousness: Art.
God's unconsciousness: Christianity.
The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.
Has anyone alive ever died?
Is this our eternal life?
Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Why did Jesus create the Devil?
He didn't recognize himself through the time portal.