Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.
Religion Jokes
I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.
Should I burn heaven?
If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?
Why does Satan worship himself?
Jesus told him to worship God.
A true God would be godless himself.
God's consciousness: Art.
God's unconsciousness: Christianity.
The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.
Has anyone alive ever died?
Is this our eternal life?
Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.
What did one God say to the other?
"I will die to be a man."
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Why did Jesus create the Devil?
He didn't recognize himself through the time portal.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
How did Jesus become self-sovereign?
He screws himself and becomes his own creator.
What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?
They believe their own lies.
What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?
You decide.
The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian; therefore, he could never be himself.
"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."
