A pedophile and a priest run a race.
You can’t beat yourself in a race!
Religion Jokes
A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."
You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?
Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?
They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
Who led the Israelites through the semipermeable membrane?
Osmoses.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
What did God say when he made the first woman?
"Where is your dick at?"
What’s the difference between a Black man and a Jew?
One was born burnt.
I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
What does the word circumcise mean?
Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.
What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?
"Let us pray."
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
Why is Christianity the most dramatic religion?
Because other religions say, "Do, do, do."
But Christianity says, "Done, done, done!"
Why can't a Muslim woman give head to an American cop?
She doesn't eat pigs.
