Relationship Jokes

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Dishwasher rape is another word for marital obligations.

What did the toaster say to the bread?

"I want you inside me!"

Mum finds out child cheats in math test.

Mom says, "There is no cheating in this house."

Child: "Then why did you cheat with my math teacher last night?"

Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?

Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.

Mom: Can you hear them?

Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.

Mom: Why do you think that?

Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the orphan turn gay?

A: Because he wanted someone to call him "daddy."

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

You know why I only date disabled people? Cause they can't get away.

Yo mama so ugly when she looked in the mirror, her reflection threw up and ran away.

Your hairline goes even further back than the last time your parents said "I love you."

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they can't call anyone their dad.

When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.

My sister.

What is the difference between an orphan and a blanket?

One is actually used.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has dates.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.