Relationship jokes

When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."

My son.

What did the man say to the woman? "Make me a sandwich."

What's thick, 12 inches, and in your mum's throat?

My penis.

What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?

Her abortion.

What did the boy say to the girl? "Damn! You pissy, stank!"

I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!

I have a son. Her name is Zara.

I also have a dad. Her name is Lydia.

What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.

Your mum!

What's 6ft long, red, and my girlfriend cries when I feed it to her?

A miscarriage.

So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.

When someone pops up in your life making you all happy, you be like, "Who sent you?"

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

Hey babe, I’m looking to get 23 years in 23 seconds, can you help?

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

Why did my dad leave me? Because I was a disappointment.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

Your mother is such a slut, she should be in the NFL hall of fame for the greatest wide receiver!

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"