Relationship jokes

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him having sex? "You're wheelie good at this!"

What did Love name his daughter?

Sweetheart. ♥

If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What, no soap?" Then he dies and she marries the barber.

If you have sex and your African parents find out,

“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Me: Hey you trashy pig woman, go in the toilet or lay on the grass where you belong.

Trashy pig woman: Why?

Me: Because you smell like fart and you're pretty much just a turd with lips.

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!

Baby, here's my anus.

Baby, too, where's my anus?

When fat people smash, it must feel like a huge submarine hitting you.

What does a homeless man call his mother?

Useless.

My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.

I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...

“Are you still holding the ladder??”

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off...