Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Just because she weighed as much as two women... Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
