Push Jokes

Warmdust
in Wife

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .

Wheelchair

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today. Now they call him Hot Wheels.

heck

Whats black, white, and red all over? A nun that fell down the stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her.

1
friendlyneighborhoodpsycopath

Sketchy dude: you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die Me: if i push it more than once do i get more money Sketchy dude: yes but more people die Me: rapidly pushes button this is how you solve world hunger. Sketchy dude: … wtf, your insane. Me: …

Anonymous

My school is fire today and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted HOT WHEELS

Anonymous

Give a man a plane ticket, he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane flying 10,000 miles up, he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

smartass

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, “I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” . Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.” “Oh no?” the mom asks. “No,” says the little boy, “When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and sheblows his belly up again!”

Death&Decay

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Anonymous

Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket he flys once but if you push him out of plane he flys for the rest of his life

Anonymous

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes. So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady. Like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance

Sad and lonely

If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me…

Anonymous
in Orphan

I pushed an orphan in a wheelchair into a fire and yelled hot wheels

HaHa Funny Joke
in Sentence

I was working at the bank today when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Aiden

heres a list of puns not all of them are mine

1.Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

2.Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

  1. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

  2. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5.Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6.Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7.Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8.How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9.That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10.My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

PunnyGuy
in Alligator

A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators, One night he has a party and says,“whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars.” some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says,“wow I can’t believe you did it! So whats your prize?” the guy says,“I don’t care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the B@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!”

Anonymousdonkey1476

how do u make a sausage roll

push it down the hill🍆

Anonymous oo
in Yo mama

Yo Mama so fat when I pushed her into the jacuzzi it caused a level 8 tsunami.

Anonymous
in Sally

Why did sally fall out the window? She was pushed

Lauren
in Sally

Q: why did Sally fall off the building? A: Her dad pushed her

Anonymous
in Programming

A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: “Is it a boy or a girl?” The programmer replies, “Yes.”