I just got my doctorās test results and Iām really upset about it. Turns out, Iām not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I donāt even care. Today, I asked my phone āSiri, why am I still single?ā and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, āI really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!ā As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Donāt challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless youāre prepared for the reaper cushions. I donāt have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. āYou canāt cut me down,ā the tree exclaims, āIām a talking tree!ā The man responds, āYou may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.ā My mom died when we couldnāt remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to ābe positive,ā but itās hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both canāt be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase āOne manās trash is another manās treasureā? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, āThis isnāt working.ā Iām not sure what heās talking about. I opened the fridge door and itās working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasnāt a mourning person. Itās important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words āantidoteā and āanecdote,ā one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I donāt find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and heāll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, āDo you have any last requests?ā āYes,ā replies the murderer. āCan you please hold my hand?ā I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know youāre not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. Whatās red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? Iām nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, āBach, Bach, Bach.ā How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. Theyāre always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they donāt live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. Youāre not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. Whatās the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesnāt have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isnāt talking to me. Why canāt Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because heās dead.
