An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Why wouldn’t Mr Bee 🐝 push Ms Bee 🐝 away?
Believe he loves his honey.
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder
I used to get pushed and called lazy in school
Man, I loved that wheelchair
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
People are pushing for a new black lady liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
There's four people on a roof a Mexican, Asian, black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says "this is for my people" and jumps off, the Asian also walks over to the ledge and says "this is for my people" and jumps off, then the black guy walks over to the edge and says "this is for my people" and pushes the white guy off.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms. Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms. Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her. Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms. Why did sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus. Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.
I feel bad for Shopping Carts there allwaze being pushed around
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it. “They see me rollin’, they hating”
This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance and I'm tired of it. Today I push him out of his wheelchair.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
I pushed a man in a wheelchair into a fire now we call him hot wheels
my girlfriend dumped me today apparently I don't stand up for her in fights I don't care she use to push me around all the time
Sketchy dude: you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die Me: if i push it more than once do i get more money Sketchy dude: yes but more people die Me: *rapidly pushes button* this is how you solve world hunger. Sketchy dude: ... wtf, your insane. Me: ...
