Push Jokes

Anonymous

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Anonymous
in Puns

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Funny but sad.

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

4
Matt G

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Autobot Blaster

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

7
THE FUNNY DUDE
in Adult

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

Sans

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

3
MajorOstrich

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Anonymous
in Chuck Norris

“Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?” – “All of them.”

Anonymous

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

6
Avo Boi

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

6
Anonymous
in Bee

Why wouldn’t Mr Bee 🐝 push Ms Bee 🐝 away?

Believe he loves his honey.

Paralyzed Kid

My little cousin’s birthday was in a few days and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming “HOT WHEELS!”

Anonymous

Why couldn’t Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms. Why couldn’t Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms. Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her. Why couldn’t Sally pick up the box? (Friend: Some weird guess) Because she had no arms. Why did sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus. Knock Knock. (Friend: Who’s there?) Not Sally.

Anonymous

What’s the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

“May I push your stool in?”

2
Anonymous

There’s four people on a roof a Mexican, Asian, black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says “this is for my people” and jumps off, the Asian also walks over to the ledge and says “this is for my people” and jumps off, then the black guy walks over to the edge and says “this is for my people” and pushes the white guy off.

6
Bowie fan 1

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life

Anonymous

my girlfriend dumped me today apparently I don’t stand up for her in fights I don’t care she use to push me around all the time

A man
in Stupid jokes

I feel bad for Shopping Carts there allwaze being pushed around

Warmdust
in Wife

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .