I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

“Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?” – “All of them.”

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

What’s the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

“May I push your stool in?”

There’s four people on a roof a Mexican, Asian, black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says “this is for my people” and jumps off, the Asian also walks over to the ledge and says “this is for my people” and jumps off, then the black guy walks over to the edge and says “this is for my people” and pushes the white guy off.

The other day i pushed a Chinese women off the golden gate bridge i was Wong on so many levels.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Why wouldn’t Mr Bee 🐝 push Ms Bee 🐝 away?

Believe he loves his honey.

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me…

Why couldn’t Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms. Why couldn’t Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms. Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her. Why couldn’t Sally pick up the box? (Friend: Some weird guess) Because she had no arms. Why did sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus. Knock Knock. (Friend: Who’s there?) Not Sally.

Whats black, white, and red all over? A nun that fell down the stairs. What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her.

Why did sally fall out the window? She was pushed

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila