Push Jokes

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

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Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Hola soy Dora do you see the Cliff. Say backpack. Tell her that we need Amanda. While I push her off the cliff you will not peek. Did you just peek. Close your eyes. You silly goose. The end

People are pushing for a new black lady liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill but before I did I set his wheels on fire and called him hot wheels

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!” Kid: “Whatever” Principal: Why did you have to swear” Because of that one demerit!” Kid; “Doesn't matter!” Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!” Kid: “Oh well!” Principle: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!” Kid: “Im try not to kill myself!”

If you give someone a plane ticket and they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.