Pub jokes

A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

In England, for every church, there are two pubs.

In Poland, for every pub, there are two churches.

Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?

Because there’s a bartender in there.

An Abo walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you find that?" The seagull replied, "At the tip, mate, there are lots there."

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."

An Indian guy and an American guy in a wheelchair met in a bar for drinks.

The American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk.

The Indian guy got drunk and walked away.

A Chinese, Japanese, South Korean, and North Korean all walk into a bar.

The Landlord says, "Why the same faces, lads?"

"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink.

The gentleman asked, "So how many have you caught today?"

The old man replied, "You're the eighth."

This is why they don't want to sell the Double Manhattan in pubs anymore.

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A horse walks into a bar.

Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm feeling depressed. What do you have to cheer me up?"

The bartender replied: "A shotgun."

Why did the emo leave the bar?

Because it was happy hour.

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar. Oh wait...

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"

Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"

A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"