Pregnancy jokes
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-inated.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
What's dumb?
The Fetus Deletus joke!
Fucking hate that joke....
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday. 🤭
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
Why did the failed abortion climb up the woman’s leg?
It was homesick.
Guys, my sister's pregnant!
I'm finally a dad!
"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
Why was the pregnant cow mad all the time? It wasn’t in for the moo-d.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Mom, I’m pregnant.
Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."