Personal jokes

What can you give a white person that you can't give to a black person?

A black eye.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

Hey, you person who's scrolling, please leave your HONEST opinion on life. Do you think "life sucks" or "eh, it's okay," etc.? It can be short; if you don't want to, then that's okay.

Boosterthon asks to raise up to $35,000.

I donate $35,000. I ask, "What's my prize?" Boosterthon worker says, "Here's a headband." Me: "I donated the goal, so is that it?" Boosterthon worker: "No, it's $35,000 per person." I pass out. Boosterthon worker goes back to work like it is a regular day.

What's one thing you should never ask a suicidal person? "Are you okay?" because the next day they'll either be dead or have a lot more cuts than they started with.

To those who are dead now, was it fun?

Person 1: How smart are you?

Person 2: Really smart.

Person 1: Ok. If you have 3 ghosts and take away 2, how many are left?

Person 2: 1 ghost is left.

Person 1: Wrong! 0 ghosts are left because ghosts don't exist!

The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.

What’s a homeless person's favorite food?

When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”

When a fat person wants to kill themselves, why are they so worried? The diabetes will get to them sooner or later!

America has white people that are terrorists and racists. They love to blame people from different countries for what they have done.

White person: "We are not terrorists. Why would [we] ever do that in our history?"

The rest of the people: *looks at them stupid* "Y'all were the first motherfuckers to be a terrorist first and then wanting to blame others for your action."

1 person: "You still carrying that confederate flag. It means hatred and [you're] still trying to fight to bring back slaves again. Y'all say it's heritage and not hate, but [you're] clearly still a fucking loser, and your flag has an X [on it, which] means wrong. So... Still a loser. People can't be racist to a racist. It just doesn't make sense. I'm not saying all white people are racist, but I am talking about the ones who voted for Trump and be blind as hell. FUCK DONALD TRUMP AND THE RACIST PEOPLE!"

What do you say when a person trips?

You say, "Why you trippin'?"

What do you call a blind person on a date? A blind date.

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"

Hey you, the person who's scrolling, I know you might have depression and some feel they can't talk to anyone about it, so in the comments please, if you need to talk to others, if you comment about it and say you need to talk to someone, I promise you that I will talk to you. You are not alone, and even though it seems it won't change and get better, it will, I promise.

Please no harsh comments toward each other.

Teacher: "Okay, so how are you going?"

Student: "I'm not going."

Teacher: "Oh, so you're a wheelchair person?"

What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them.

Q: What’s a koala's face song? A: Never gonna give you up BECAUSE it hangs on the tree and the person is the tree?