Person jokes
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Tell someone to say "alpha" and then "kenny one". Tell them to say it very fast. Tell them it sounded like they said, "I'll fuck anyone!"
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Die.
Die who?
Me, I want to die.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.
What do you call a person that [proudly] knows only one language? A bloody seppo.
What do you call a person that speaks five languages? A Euro waiter.
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
Who is this Gwen everyone is talking about?
Why can’t a blind person be a teacher? Because they can’t control their pupils.
There's a plane crash. Every single person died.
Who lived? The married people!
I was going to join the debating team.
... but someone talked me out of it.
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
What do you call a person with no eyebrows?
Ms. Burgos.
Name one person who would take an orphan?
Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.
Person 1: Do you know Imagine Dragons?
Person 2: Yeah.
Person 1: Imagine draggin' these nuts across your face!
Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.
Person B: Over my dead body.
Person B: *gets the noose*
I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"
Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.