People jokes

How do Chinese people name their baby? They throw pots down the stairs: bing bong ching chong.

There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, girls would find me attractive.

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

My friend made this joke (so I’m going steal it). I’m surrounded by fat people, oh wait... it’s just one.

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

They say they'll stay, but I left first.

An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.