People jokes
Smile, because it confuses people. Smile, because it’s easier than explaining what is killing you inside.
What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.
How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
Humanity.
I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
I hate it when disabled people get bullied...
... because they can't stand up for themselves.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.
People with Down syndrome have a specific skill only they have; they can give a blow job and talk to you while sounding exactly the same.
People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?
Because they go down so well.
There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.
Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
What’s the difference between white people and Black people?
One runs from the police, one runs for the police.
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?
A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.