Peanut jokes

What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?

Afterbirth.

Spell "Ihop," and then say, "'Ness, I ate your peanuts!"

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

Yo momma is so hungry that she ate your peanuts!

What's your mom and a dog got in common?

Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.

My arse hole hurts like no joke, man. I just had to tell that your heads a peanut, you fucking nonce, kid, you fat fuck sack, your mum you dirty cow!

The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.

What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.

What competition do nuts participate in?

The peanut butter cup.

Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.

If a walnut is a nut on the wall, then what is a peanut?

The cashew called the peanut boring.

The peanut felt very unsalted.

Roses are red, peanuts are tan. I am joining the Ku Klux Klan.

What do a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread.

Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."

There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!