Past jokes

Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"

Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.

We went running on our camping trip. It was past tents.

Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.

The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

I have eaten 6 babies, 9 adolescent children, and 2 infants in the past week ;p

Don't worry, Stephen Hawking isn't dead.

They have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a USB.

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.