Past Jokes

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross. On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter".

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter".

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter".

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for, must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus, and says "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important"?

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here".

An Irishman walked past a bar.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

Q. Why can't you run through a campground?

A. You can only raQ. Why can't you run through a campground?

A. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

(Credit: @punnstagram)

ran, because it's past tents!!

Two people walk down the road one sais to the other mitch we past weight watchers 2 minutes ago he responds jake the noodle shop is just here you been carrying that shit on your head for 14 years

Recently I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker down town in Manhattan, New York thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.

We went running on our camping trip. It was past tents.

The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you starting at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you 'baby' now~

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

i have eaten 6 babies, 9 adolescent children and 2 infants in the past week ;p

dont worry stephen hawking isnt dead. they have just got to copy and paste his memory onto a usb.

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

I ate a time-machine once, it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.

So a retarded kids mom drops her kid off at school and says “you better stop the bus today because I’m not picking you up” and so he agrees and he arrives at the bus stop and says “stop” (in a retarded voice) and the bus goes straight past him the next day the mom says the same thing and the kid goes to the bus stop and says “stop” (in a retarded voice) and the bus goes straight past him the third day his mom says “I don’t care if have to jump out in the middle of the road you better stop that bus” so the kid goes to bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says “Stop!” The bus driver runs over him a nearby lady stops the bus and says “why’d you run that poor kid over” and he responds “‘cause he was making fun of me” (in a retarded voice)

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.