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When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

  • 6

    • What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."

  • 2

    • Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

    When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

  • 3

    • This is a joke about Ms. Ploopatoink, a made-up character who is a pink fluffy pony who loves toilet paper.

    Why is Ms. Ploopatoink like a toilet plunger?

    They both jump in the toilet!

  • 2

    • Friend 1: I HATE YOU!

    Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!

    Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*

    Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.

    All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*

    One dollar bill is with a five dollar bill. The five says, "I make more cents than you."

    Anyone know how to get an A on the "An Inspector Calls" section of the GCSE paper?

    Why did the chicken cross to the U.S. from Mexico?

    To get to the U.S., but he had to show his papers first.

    What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?

    A girl actually dates the paper.

    I was going to watch the origami world championships before it folded.

    But it was only on paper view.

    How to decorate a wall:

    Strip off the paper and original plaster.

    Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.

    Paint it (if you want).

    Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.

  • 3

    • When it comes to recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.