Outing jokes

My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.

It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."

A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.

I just went to India and thought, "Why do they have so many sniper hitmen?" It turns out the red dot isn't a sniper laser.

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

What did the Blonde say to the other Blonde?

They don’t know; they couldn’t figure out what to say.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Q: How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

A: You give them a Sandy Hook.

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

We are coming out with a Whopper that is similar to a priest because it also has its meat between 5-year-old buns.

You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor threw you out the window, and the window threw you back.

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I see you, I see you; you would have to work out.