Otherness jokes

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

What did one negative say to the other negative? Together we can make a positive.

Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."

How can a gay man that is unemployed be productive in the workplace?

Give a blowjob to other gay men in the workplace for money.

What did the constipated bum say to the other bum?

Piss don't s**t on me!

LMAO, what is the difference between an orphan and a watermelon?

One's fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other's just a watermelon.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Orphans are so unwanted that when One Direction saw one, it went the other direction.

Masochists and sadists are made for each other.

Q: What did one snake say to the other?

A: Nothing because they are both dead.

The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We are both lawyers.

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩

Why don't gay men perform anilingus on each other in Greece?

Because anilingus is against the law in Greece.

What’s the difference between Rosa Parks and Muhammad Ali?

One fought for freedom, the other fought for fun.

Others, tearfully: Stop shipping real people!!

Me, packing an old lady in a FedEx box: Nope!

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.

Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.

What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?

"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"